Become More…Patient
This column was first published in the Reading Eagle on November 21, 2023.
Raffi was a flat-coated retriever and one of the things the breed is known for its patience. He was patient to the point that he would wear me down if he thought that a treat or ball-playing could be imminent. He would look at me, sitting quietly, adoringly, and non-verbally say, “I can wait. I’m a dog. I’ve got all day!” And, wait he would. He knew the inevitable outcome — I would fold, he would prevail.
It may look like the British author Violet Fane’s notion that “good things come to those who wait” was his MO, but it was more than that. It’s what he did while he waited that was key: He worked hard to get what he wanted — making me feel important and cared about. Leadership author, Linda Thomas Thornton, agrees. She believes that by itself, the quote “leaves out important parts of the story” because just waiting is not enough. We need to use the time while waiting wisely. If we do, not only will the wait be easier, we’ll be better off.
Targets of our impatience
What challenges your patience? Commuting traffic, boring meetings, co-workers’ mistakes? Or do you have a more inward focus — not advancing, learning, achieving as fast as I should?
There’s good and bad news! Both come down to control. The bad news — you can’t control traffic, meetings and others’ mistakes. And, a lot of the time, you really can’t control how fast you move up the corporate ladder. But, the good news is you can control what you do with the time you wait.
While we wait
Control is definitely key in managing patience. While we wait we can whine, get frustrated or angry, or even withdraw. None of which is productive and most of which is unhealthy.t like or want to wait for anything. When I must wait, too often, my response resembles the unproductive and unhealthy behaviors I described above.
Full disclosure. I am one of the least patient persons I know — impatience personified. I do not like or want to wait for anything. When I must wait, too often, my response resembles the unproductive and unhealthy behaviors I described above.
Alternatively, we can choose a different response. Acknowledge the lack of control we have over things outside us, and also the disappointment. Then, turn to what we can control — our reaction to waiting.
So, finding and acting in ways that honor the control we do have is a journey that I am constantly on. Let’s see what some of the experts have to say.
Controlling impatience
There are some cultural factors that probably contribute to a growing level of impatience, what the Cleveland Clinic calls “pitfalls of instant gratification.” Otherwise known as communication technology, email, text, chat have primed us to expect more on waiting less. Regardless, we can do better in our relationship with waiting.
A good place to start is understanding our triggers. The New York Times and Inc. talk about the biochemical response we have to stress, in this case impatience, thanks to an almond-size nervous tissue, the amygdala, in the limbic system of the brain. I won’t bore you with the biochem lesson (not that I could teach it anyway); suffice it to say that certain things — bad drivers, for example — trigger the amygdala and we have the fight part of fight-or-flight. If you know what your triggers are, you can anticipate and perhaps control to some extent your reaction. Here’s the rub. This little explosion of emotions in our brain, fondly known as the “amygdala hijack” lasts about 6 seconds during which we have little control. Beyond that, it’s all you, baby!
Next, Cleveland Clinic, The Times and Inc. all talk about mindfulness or being present. Simply put, it’s tuning in to yourself and taking charge (control?). It means being aware of your breathing — and actually, being deliberate about your breaths; sitting with the circumstances and accepting them as they are (we don’t have to like them); and, consciously slowing down.
If we can do this, we are in a better place to do what we talked about earlier: Use the wait for “good.” Getting another task done, strengthening a relationship, growing personally or even appreciating the moment with a chuckle or a smile — all this is in our control.
Speaking of a chuckle, the folks at Inc. recommend “make yourself wait” to become more patient. They quoted Psychological Science that reports “waiting for things actually makes us happier in the long run.”
Huh? You mean like waiting for Santa Claus to bring presents or waiting for that big bonus check? Ah, I never got a bonus check (not a thing in higher ed) but I did get presents from Santa. I can tell you unequivocally that I was not happy waiting for Dec. 25. I was very happy with the presents I received, just not the wait to get them! I can imagine there’s something about delayed gratification that ups the value of the wait — it’s just not the strongest argument for me.
Bottom lining it
Life happens quickly and immediately, when it doesn’t, we get impatient. Being present (mindful) to what sets us off (our triggers) and deliberately choosing to manage them, while also making the best of the extra time we have while waiting, helps us become more patient.
Now, go make Raffi proud!
Next Column: Becoming More…Kind
Dr. Santo D. Marabella, The Practical Prof, is a professor emeritus of management at Moravian University and hosts the podcast “Office Hours with The Practical Prof … and Friends.” His latest book, “The Lessons of Caring” is written to inspire and support caregivers (available in paperback and eBook). Website: ThePracticalProf.com; Twitter: @PracticalProf; Facebook: ThePracticalProf.
SOURCES & FURTHER READING:
Do Good Things Come to Those Who Wait?