Becoming More… Empathetic
This column was first published in the Reading Eagle on May 7, 2024.
For the past few months, we’ve looked at how my angel of a dog taught me to become more… patient, kind, accepting and authentic. In our final part of this series, we discuss what Raffi taught me about empathy. As usual, it’s relevant to us humans at work.
A cornerstone of character, empathy has been featured frequently — as a desirable work behavior (May 2016); how men can develop it (Jun 2017); its value in an era of self-absorption (July 2019); and, more over the past twelve years of our lessons.
Defining empathy
Empathy is the “ability to sense other people’s emotions, coupled with the ability to imagine what someone else might be thinking or feeling,” according to “Greater Good Magazine,” a UC, Berkeley publication.
There’s an important distinction to make. Empathy is affective (heart) and cognitive (head). Affective describes how we feel in response to others’ emotions; cognitive refers to how we think about others’ emotions from their perspective. For example, when Raffi passed, some friends were teary eyed, their facial expressions showed their sadness, or the way they listened was focused and intense. That’s affective empathy — our reaction to others’ emotions. When friends commented on my social media that they understood how important and how much a part of my family Raffi was, they were demonstrating cognitive empathy — getting what it must be like for me.
This is important because folks can be good at one or the other, but not both. Some may feel the “feels” with you, but don’t get it from your point of view, so it becomes about them and they’re stressed because you haven’t been yourself lately. Others understand your perspective, but you’d never know it because their behavior doesn’t mirror what you’re feeling. When you don’t get the promotion, they understand your disappointment since you were a qualified candidate, but they don’t say or do anything that communicates their empathy. We need to be good at both.
Lessons from Raffi
When Raffi was about 4, we found Dognition.com. It helps you “empower your dog’s intelligence, social skills, and problem-solving abilities,” so that you can better understand their behavior and strengthen your bond with them. You do a variety of game-like activities that measure your dog’s competence in five broad areas — cunning, memory, reasoning, communication and empathy.
Raffi’s most striking results (that still give me leaky eyes) were related to empathy. The report said, “Rafaelle’s empathy scores were off the charts. If most dogs are bonded to their owners, Rafaelle absolutely adores you.” The feeling was mutual!
Here’s the takeaway. Empathy at work is important because it facilitates a deep connection to another living being (human or canine). Raffi and I were besties, but more than that we were connected — understood each other’s flaws, tuned in to each other’s concerns and responded to each other’s needs.
I can’t count how many times I’ve said in my writing or teaching that I worry we have no “community” at work. It’s because we have no or minimal connections to those with whom we work.
Before you object, let me nip the common excuses in the proverbial bud. We can’t blame the pandemic and I’m not saying you have to be “besties” with everyone, or for that matter, anyone at work.
Connections at work began eroding long before the shut-down, COVID just exacerbated the problem, like our obsession with technology and social media did. All are symptoms of the core problem — our self-absorbed, lonely, self-isolating lifestyles. We are way more interested, concerned, fill in the blank, in ourselves than others.
This also explains why we think connecting with others requires being friends. We don’t necessarily want friends, we really just want “likes.”
Being connected to others is being a human being. Human beings working together can authentically care for each other, help each other, support each other — all without being friends. That is empathy!
Empathy at Work
What does affective and cognitive empathy look like at work? Some empathic behaviors are:
• Pay attention to people’s moods, behaviors, words and silence; make deliberate effort to look or walk around; be curious about how people are doing
• Check in without being nosey; “I noticed you seemed distracted during our meeting, just checking in, everything okay?
• Authentically listen without judgment; co-worker shares their excitement being selected “top salesperson of the quarter” — feel their joy and express your congratulations, even if you won the title five times
• Don’t advise or “fix” anything; subordinate shares their spouse’s mental health makes it difficult to concentrate — not an invitation to become Dr. Phil, just listen and offer work services that may be available
• Avoid saying “at least;” co-worker didn’t get promoted, don’t say: “at least you have a job!”
• Adopt their lens, rather than seeing it from your pointing of view: married manager whose subordinate is single parent subordinate with a sick kid has no one else to pick up the child from school
• Reflect feelings without assigning feelings; team member made a mistake on a project “I get that you might feel awkward or embarrassed; it’s okay, we can make the needed changes”
Empathy is connection. Be like Raffi, become more connected with your work people!
Next Column: Stories from the “Heart” of Business!
Dr. Santo D. Marabella, The Practical Prof, is a professor emeritus of management at Moravian University and hosts the podcast “Office Hours with The Practical Prof … and Friends.” His latest book, “The Lessons of Caring” is written to inspire and support caregivers (available in paperback and eBook). Website: ThePracticalProf.com; Twitter: @PracticalProf; Facebook: ThePracticalProf.
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